4 years ago...

4 years ago, we were sitting in a hospital room, with our newborn baby boy (eating Feeney's!) enjoying the fresh smell of new baby. Little did we know how rich you would make our lives. You make us smile every day, keep us laughing, and push our buttons. You are smart, funny, kind, loving, gentle (most of the time), and so much more. You loves books, movies, and fruit snacks. Oh, and your sister, too :) You stole our hearts then, and melt our hearts daily. What an amazing little boy you are. We are so blessed to have you as our son, Ava to have you as her big brother, and all that know you to share in your sweet spirit. We love you <3

Happy Birthday, sweet Cole!

Making memories...

This summer, we made an intentional decision to get some projects done around the house. So far, I've finished one project (Cole's bedroom) and am in the middle of another (Jeff's office), but have yet to start on the five big ones for Jeff. They are:

Decorate our bedroom

Decorate dining room

Decorate living room

Mulch flower beds

Curtains for the playroom

I am looking forward to making a dent in this list these next few weeks. In the mean while, here's what we HAVE done:

Hanging Rock

Grasshoppers Games

Lego Movie

Catching fireflies

Running through the sprinkler

Library time each week

Cooking together

Sprayground fun

Children's Museum

Science Center

Nature hunt

Growing a garden

Building a playset/treehouse

Time is moving quickly. We still miss moments. And there's always more on the to do list. But we're making memories.

  

(left: Cole @ Lego Movie; middle: building the playset; right: at the Sprayground)

  

(left: Ava eating her first tomato from the garden; middle: Cole showing his fireflies to Daddy; right: on a nature hunt after library time)

I'm not a blogger...

And I'm not good with writing my thoughts out regularly, even though I want to. I deal better when I have the time to write things out, but time is flying by. How to challenge myself to write more? Hmmm...

Raw.

One of the best words to describe how I feel right now. I feel raw. tender. exposed. lonely. frustrated. I question my mothering, my ability to be a good wife, and just whether I'm good enough. I'm pretty sure I'm not cutting it. As tears roll down my cheek, I feel the sting of loneliness. This pain that has stuck around for as many years as I can remember. It's like I can't just be "me". I'm not even sure who "me" is sometimes. And tonight, I said stupid things out of frustration. I was hurtful with my words, in my own hurt. And I've perpetuated the cycle of lonely by pushing away my best friend. Who I don't let in often, for fear of feeling stupid or ashamed. I'm not sure how to break this cycle, but it sure is breaking me...

{I'm posting this today...even though now I can't even remember the source of my frustration that night when I wrote this (several weeks ago). Life is hard. Parenting is harder. Marriage is perhaps hardest. We are working each day to love each other more, speak kinder words, and grow closer together. Somedays, we do just that. Other days, hurt fills our heart and our home when we are not able to put the other first and truly love. I hope that the hurtful days are always outnumbered by days where we choose love and find joy.}

Family Reunion

We are settling in for the night after a fun, but exhausting family reunion. Cole, Ava and I had been under the weather with colds before we left. Traveling, swimming, and being on the go for 72 hours has not helped us to recover quickly. BUT...it was so worth it! We had a blast catching up and the kiddos had such a good time playing together. Loved {mostly} every minute!!!

I am emotionally exhausted, after an unplanned family conversation on the way home. Let's just say it's time to be real. I hope that the exchanged words will help us get to a new place.

Thankful for a wonderful weekend overall :)

Our little garden...

It sounds silly, but it has been so much fun to watch our garden grow. So far, nothing is producing (or even seems close), but plants are getting bigger and the garden is getting greener. We're praying for a good yield over the summer, but just having fun in the process.

(although this one doesn't look like much, it's filled with sunflowers on the back row, potatoes on the left, and carrots on the right)

Alone with my thoughts...

Jeff is out of town (again), and I am sitting here in bed when I should be sleeping, just wondering why.

I just read on Facebook that a friends 4 year old daughter is having absence seizures...why?

Earlier today, I read of a family in Arkansas who lost both young boys in the tornados two days ago. Why? And how do you go on?

I know two local moms who have had very young children sick, one  needing brain surgery, one chemotherapy to fight cancer. Why?

I finished The Giver tonight, and reading the part about the memories of hunger and swollen, distended bellies breaks my heart. Why?

I know I will not know why in this lifetime, but I hope it's always ok to ask. 

Why? And how do I help? Where do I fit in? Food? Hugs? Gifts? Donating? Serving?

I am thankful every day for my family, even more today than yesterday. We are so blessed, and have so much to be thankful for. If these families can go on in the midst of seemingly insurmountable obstacles, surely I can find joy each day.